Subject: Self-introduction email
Dear Professor Blackstone
My name is Ting Pin Kiat, but you may address me as Pin Kiat for short. I am writing this email to help you to understand me better. I graduated with a diploma in engineering with business from Nanyang Polytechnic and am currently taking my bachelor’s of civil engineering at the Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT).
Many people asked me why I chose an engineering course, and my response to them was simply passion. My interest in engineering grew when I started to do well in mathematics and science. Although I do not have a civil engineering background, I strongly believe with hard work and perseverance, will eventually lead me in becoming a professional engineer. I have always lived by this quote, “Hard work beats talent when talent fails to work hard.”
During my national service, I took up roles that required me to pass down information to others clearly and concisely. That allowed me to build confidence in communicating with the people with whom I was unfamiliar. However, communicating in a large crowd has been my weakness since young as I have long been an introvert. I tend to feel uncomfortable communicating with strangers and will start to stutter at times. This is a fear I will learn to conquer through this module.
My goals in this module are to refine my public speaking skills and improve my writing skills. For my writing skills, I need to reduce the number of grammatical errors and refine my sentence structure. I look forward to learning more about effective communication and improving my English language under your guidance.
Thank you for taking your time to read this email.
Warmest regards
Pin Kiat
CVE Group 6
Revised on 1/2/2021
(Feedbacks is given by Prof Brad, Randall, Donald, and Cayden)
Hi Pin Kiat! Good work on this enlightening introductory email. It was fairly comprehensive, yet brief. I would like to suggest several areas where you can improve on to make the email even more enjoyable to read. They include:
ReplyDelete- In the sentence "I am writing this email so as for you to understand me better.", it seems to me that your use of the phrase "so as for you to" is somewhat strange. You may want to consider using "to help you" instead.
- It is perfectly fine to not mention the phrase "over other courses" in the following sentence "Many people have asked me why I chose engineering over other courses,...". Furthermore, it may be more helpful to be direct with your explanation of your interest in engineering in this sentence.
- I feel that the sentence structure for "My interest in engineering started young as I have always been doing well in mathematics and sciences." can be worked on.
- The explanation of your strong determination to succeed in civil engineering is greatly appreciated. However, I believe that it does not relate to why you are interested in the profession.
- The first two sentences of the third paragraph should be written in the past tense, since you are no longer going through the experiences and activities mentioned. The following phrase "confidence in communicating with the people with whom I am unfamiliar" can also be written as "confidence in communicating with people I am unfamiliar with" to convey your intended meaning clearer.
- The use of the word "Perhaps" in this sentence "Perhaps this is a fear I will learn to conquer through this module." makes you seem unsure of whether you want to overcome this weakness. You may be interested to take a more direct and clear approach.
- There is no need for the word "to" in this phrase "and to improve my writing skills".
- It is incorrect to start a sentence in this manner "And with that, I look forward to learning more..." in formal writing.
I do hope that you find these suggestions to be of help, and I would be happy to discuss these with our peers and Mr. Blackstone as well. I eagerly await your next piece of writing!
Hi Donald,
DeleteThanks putting in the effort to read through my post and spot the errors in it. I have made the changes that you mentioned and hopefully one day my English will be as good as yours. Cheers!
With regards,
Pin Kiat
Dear Pin Kiat,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this clear, courteous and detailed intro letter. You cover all the bases of the assignment and provide us readers with a decent understanding of who you are. Your NS experince in particular seems to have impacted your skills development. It might even be good in the letter to mention what your role/job scope actually was since that story will provide us with more context for your growth.
I'm also impressed that you have taken onboard feedback from your current readers and already made changes to the post. (Just make sure you add the date of each change to the bottom of the letter.) This shows a certain humility and true willingness to learn.
There are still a couple minor issues for you to take note of in terms of verb tense:
-- I had taken up roles > I took up roles
-- as I am an introvert > as I have long been an introvert
None of this should eclipse the fine job you've done with this letter.
I look forward to reading more from you this term.
Brad
Dear Prof Brad,
DeleteI appreciate your honest feedback. As a person, I always strive for further improvements. I can't wait to share with you what I have in the next few weeks.
With regards,
Pin Kiat
Hello Pin Kiat,
ReplyDeleteYour letter is very comprehensive and enlightening, it made me understand you more as a person. However, you might want to be more extensive on your NS experience as I feel that it is an important part of your growth.
As for "My interest in engineering started young as I have always been doing well in mathematics and sciences." can be improved on.
I look forward to your future writings.
Regards,
Cayden
Hi Cayden,
DeleteThank you for your feedback. I will take note of the pointers you mentioned.
With regards,
Pin Kiat
Hi Pin Kiat, the email was brief, simple and courteous, The flow of the letter was also well composed. However, I feel that there are some place for improvement. They includes:
ReplyDelete1) The choice of words and the sentence structure can be improved. For example, in the first sentence of the email, "I am writing this email so as for you to understand me better" can be changed to "I am writing this email so that you can better understand me" .
I hope the suggestion I gave will be helpful, I look forward to your future works!
Hi Randall,
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting! I have made the necessary adjustments to my post.
With regards,
Pin Kiat